Thoughts from the Trenches of Toddlerhood

We are in the trenches these days with our firstborn. He is two and a half years old, full of curiosity and spunk and as stubborn as all get-out. For every sweet, special moment there are many, many tantrums and sharing talks. Contrary and oppositional are two words that come to mind. Lots of crying and stomping and funny little outbursts on his part and disciplining and reiterating and reassuring and holding on our part these days. One of Collin's favorite expressions, which lands him into trouble over and over again, is "Don't say no (to) me." Yes, he is parroting back what we say to him. Not cute. As I write this, Nick is upstairs talking him down from the rafters.

I don't know why this surprises me. They are called the terrible twos for a reason. One thing I know, what today seems like difficult, headstrong tendencies will be, given some harnessing and good choices on his part, the very character traits will someday make him a leader. Just praying I start to see the latter sooner than later.

I'm learning it's hard work walking the line as parents. It would be much easier to let things slide or swing the opposite direction and try to use anger and fear to control our kids (because, believe you me, their behavior can be angering), but neither of these approaches get to the heart of the issue. By letting them do whatever they want we deny them the mercy of learning respect and how to deal with consequences in the arena of childhood, where the stakes aren't as high as they are in the real world. Conversely, by bulldozing and controlling, we teach them to respond to us out of fear, not out of a desire to maintain relationship and trust. In the end we will have done them a great injustice if we do not enter into their situations willing to sift through the issues and walk these growing pains out alongside them.

Isn't that the way God parents us? He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. He disciplines those he loves, yet keeps no record of wrong against us. He is not surprised when we sin, but graciously welcomes us back over and over. He does not force us to love and obey Him. How many times do I wish I could just force Collin to be a certain way!?

He also does not take it personally when we choose poorly or walk away from Him. I'm pretty sure God would never say, "You are a disgrace to our family!" I think it can be hard not to feel as if our children are little representations of us. It's embarrassing when you have to drag them down the hall at preschool because they refuse to stop playing with the toy farm. It's not fun when they yell at another child or refuse to share. It feels personal. It feels like everyone is watching and judging our parenting skills based on those brief moments. And guess what? They might be! I, for one, am all too guilty of thinking I knew what it took to parent a child before having children of my own or thinking our sweet little angel baby would never talk back to us. Eating lots and lots of previous thoughts these days;) But, ultimately, I don't want the weight of people's perceived opinions of mom and dad on the shoulders of my kiddos. That is not a sustainable way to good behavior, that does not produce a lasting heart change.

Not having a guaranteed reward for our hard work as parents is hard. One thing I am learning is this- Even if we did absolutely everything right, if we read every parenting book on earth and only fed them the purest of organic food and successfully shielded them from certain negative influences while allowing others in order for them to develop backbone and taught them to play the harp and help old ladies cross the street and took them out to feed the poor on weekends, we still would not be promised successful children-- that they would love us and Jesus and make an positive impact in the world. The sweet baby you hold in your arms, night after night might end up in jail for killing someone someday. We have no gaurantees.

I am constantly blessed by several dear older saints in the faith whose children have walked away from God. They do not give up on their kids, just like the Prodigal son's father never stopped watching for him, but they are also not consumed with what they could have done differently. They are lovingly confident that he who began a good work in their children will see it through unto completion. I am challenged to have faith like this!

The best father of all, God, has scores upon scores of wayward children who have and are continually making poor choices, sinning and distancing themselves from Him and that does not mean He could have done something differently or better. He paid the ultimate price by dying on a cross for them-- taking upon himself the punishment for their sins. Who are these wayward children? We are those wayward children! We have free will. We are free to walk away and just as free to run to Him. If we weren't free to rebel, then how true would our "choice" to love Him be?

You know what else is hard? Realizing that even if all of our wonderful work "paid off" and they did turn out to be Rhodes scholars and curers of cancer who passionately love Jesus, we couldn't take the full credit for that either. Why? Because it's not all about us... but man is it easy to swell up with pride when things are going well!

It's not about how awesome or horrible we are as parents. While this is frustrating, because boy do we invest a lot of blood sweat and tears and prayers into our little ones, it's also liberating. It's liberating to not have to go at this parenting thing alone. It's liberating that we are partnering with God-- stewarding the little lives He has given us.

By shifting the focus off of ourselves we help our children recognize their need for a savior outside of mommy and daddy or themselves. They will see God's character displayed when their earnest, yet flawed, parents seek to be like God, not pretend to be God. The greatest gift we can give them is modeling that it is all about Jesus-- that we need Him just as much as they do! That we make mistakes and fall just like they do and this does not change God's love for us, and likewise their mistakes do not change our love for them.

So, in the meantime, we do not give up sowing into the soil of their hearts and lives. We do not abandon them to their own, inherently sinful nature, we discipline in love, we reinforce positive behaviors and allow natural consequences to happen, we continually seek to get to the heart of the matter and parent in grace in the efforts to maintain relationship and trust. We walk the tension of holding fast and lightly to what God has given us in these babies and then we rest. We rest in the knowledge that we have the most perfect example of a parent in our Heavenly Father who will guide us when we do not know what to do, who will refresh us when we are weary and who will restore all things in His time. And when the ornery toddler finally gives up fighting and falls asleep in a heap on the bed. You kiss their cheek, close the door and go downstairs to laugh about it with your spouse because this too shall pass... Until they are teenagers!

The Standard My Husband Will Never Meet

Early on in my relationship with Nick, the Lord spoke to me on two separate occasions in as close to an audible voice as I've ever heard.

The first instance was while I was still living in Oak Park. My roommates and I lived a few blocks away from the church and on that particular night our friend Jenn, who worked at the church and had a set of keys, had invited us to go spend some time in prayer in the dark, empty sanctuary while she played the piano. I found a spot near the back and attempted to quiet my busy heart.

I had a lot swirling around in my head those days and, of course, Nick was taking up a good deal of my mental bandwidth. He had taken a job out in Fresno and we had been emailing and talking on the phone all summer. I really liked him, but being a bit gun-shy from previous failed relationships, I was very hesitant to admit to myself that our friendship might be more than just that-- a friendship. He had even started writing me letters (yes, with actual paper and envelopes) and I still wondered if I was just a "good friend" to him. Later he would tease me about my naiveté, saying "How could you not know I was interested?!"

After doing the best I could to clear my mind and focus on the Lord I started to fall asleep. Whoops! Not exactly what I had set out to do that night. Suddenly I heard a voice say, "He loves you." Huh? Again I heard, "He loves you." Really Lord? I feel as if it's possible he might like me, but he doesn't know me well enough yet to-- "He loves you." I sat with those words for a while. Then what I heard next broke me. "He loves you because he loves me and I love you."

Whoa. I hurried home that night and could not stop thinking about that statement. I had always known God's love for us is expressed through his people, but I never thought about it with regards to a potential mate. Oddly, as much as I could have focused on the part about Nick loving me, I couldn't stop thinking about how much God loved me. Whether or not Nick loved me almost ceased mattering. I had heard, so clearly, that God loved me. It wasn't the first time I had heard this, but it was the first time it hit home in such a personal way.

Fast forward a few months. We had finally had "the talk" and things were at a junction in our relationship. Would we pursue dating or heed the the horror stories of long-distance heartbreak and call it quits. I was about to go to Mozambique for three weeks and conveniently would have very little internet access. So, we decided to take up the conversation upon my return. As much as I was brave on the phone that night, I was extremely scared of losing him. I had put it all out on the line and feared my heart would be broken.

Things were busy in Africa. There was a lot of need, many sobering sights and much work to be done. At night, under my mosquito net in the sweltering heat, I tried to pray, but couldn't find words. I was fully expecting to return home and be faced with his decision to end things. Three weeks later, I touched back down on American soil. While in line for customs I turned on my cell and was floored to find he had filled my voicemail box. They were messages like, "Hi, I miss you... Just calling to remind you it's Thursday and you should take your malaria meds..." or "Hey, I read this really interesting verse and thought it might speak to you too..." My heart was filled with hope.

Needless to say, things ended up working out for us. Not even three months later he surprised me and got on my flight out to Seattle to spend Christmas with my family. He proposed on Christmas morning-- the first white Christmas Seattle had seen in 40 years. Of course I said yes.

But you know what? God wasn't done speaking to me about Nick. One day, while we were engaged, I was driving down the highway. I think I might have been in Indiana on a work trip. I was humming along to the radio and I heard the Lord say, "Nick is just a boy." Again, my response was "huh?" (I mean I knew I was a year and half older, so yes I could technically be robbing the cradle, but he was 25...). Again the Lord said, "Nick is just a boy." but this time it was followed with "I am the man of your life."

Yes, Lord you are the man of my life. I agreed. Cool God, what a nice thought. That was pretty much the end of that conversation with the Lord. It wasn't until we had been married a few months that it all started to mean something.

No, I did not discover I had married a man-child. If anything, Nick was, and is, the sweetest, most responsible, giving, loving, wise MAN I could ever ask for. But when you have been uprooted, because at this point we had moved to Atlanta for his job, and you know no one in your new city and being newly married and learning to do life together is hard (especially that first year), the awesome MAN that you once gazed upon with starry eyes, starts to look a little less awesome. In one argument I even hurled a block of cheese at him. Poor guy.

I found myself continually taking a victim stance with him-- assuming every suggestion or comment on his part was a dig or an attack. He was never comforting enough, never affirming enough, he never took my needs into consideration enough, cracked down too hard on my spending habits, forgot Valentines Day, only got me socks for Christmas, yada, yada, yada...

But you know what? It finally dawned on me. I was holding him to a standard he could never reach. I was looking for him to meet needs he was never meant to meet. He could never fully satisfy my heart because that was God's job. He took care of that on the cross. God needed to be first. I needed to find my fulfillment in the Lord. Only then could I even begin to accept the love of my husband. Only then could I bring something of value to the table of our marriage.

I was faced with the decision-- I can be a whiny, griping, nagging wife who relies on her husband for constant affirming words and temporary fixes of affection OR I could find my satisfaction in the Lord and enjoy the amazing husband he has given me without the stupid, silly strings attached.

Now I'm not saying I always abide by this, nor does this mean I don't call my man on the carpet from time to time. Heavens, no. I mean, he drops the ball. I drop the ball. Mostly he is just all-around amazing and loving and sacrificial, but we are normal people and I have to remind myself that God is the man of my life. So, when I start to get that dissatisfied, angsty feeling I try to ask myself "When was the last time you read the Bible or spent time in prayer?" or "How can you better love your husband?" instead of keeping a tally of all the ways he could better love me.

The truth is (and I am preaching to myself here), we are so wildly and deeply loved by our Father. He is our first love. We cannot forget that love or fail to keep Him in the number one space in our hearts. When things get reversed and our spouse or our job or material things take the number one spot, things fall apart. I speak from major experience! When things are in their rightful place, there is beauty and fruitfulness and limitless joy and maybe just a tad bit more grace for the wonderfully imperfect human being He placed in your life to love.

Finding Friendship in Seasons of Rooting and Uprooting

It's now been exactly four months since we said good-bye to our Atlanta life and moved to Joplin so Nick could take a new position with his company. A lot has happened in those four months, but making hoards and hoards of new friends has not been one of them. 

A while back a friend of many years asked me, "How do you do it? How do you 'start over' so well every time." A little background, for those who do not know my history. Between being born in Seattle and living there until I was seven, then growing up as a missionary kid in Mexico, transitioning back into life and culture in the States as a high-schooler, attending a college where I knew very few people, moving to Spain to take a job, moving to Chicago to take another job, and then getting married and following my husband to Atlanta, I think it's safe to say I have experienced my fair share of transition! Nick, although being raised in roughly the same area of the country his entire youth, would also say he has experienced a fair share of transition via changes in cities, church communities, schools and then, as an adult, pursuing jobs that required big cross-country moves.

I laughed at my friend's question and we naturally drifted on to another subject, but it struck me that I hadn't really ever articulated what it takes me to start over or how I do "it" so well. 

To be honest, I don't know that I always feel I do it well. Just like anyone who has been uprooted or has chosen to uproot themselves, I have discouraging days... Days where I question if we truly heard God's voice in deciding to move, days where I deeply miss our friends from home-- wherever home is. Days where I wonder if my new city will ever feel like the so-called home I long for. I sometimes envy people who have never had to move, people who have super deep roots in their community, people who have people who have walked alongside them their whole lives.

But guess what? God always provides, we have never lacked for community or friends for long seasons and even when the lonely seasons feel eternal, in hindsight they were well worth the wait and the investment as we look back and see how God has, time and again, woven together a beautiful life for us in each new place.

After mulling over my friend's question for a while, I have decided to take a stab at it. Here are some principles that have guided my outlook on transition. Even as I write this, I am preaching to the choir because I always need to be reminded of this. This doesn't just apply to those who have recently, or not so recently moved. I think we've all found ourselves in seasons of transition... seasons where we long for deeper connection and friendship.

1. You Are Not an Island

You were created for community and friendship. For some people that will be a large group of friends, for others a more intimate circle. We need the companionship, shared experience and challenge that friendship brings. If you are married, I hope you find that in your spouse, but that is not enough. I like who I am better and like who Nick is better when we are in community. We bring more richness to our marriage when we are interacting and rubbing shoulders with friends. New ideas, supportive advice, prayer, inspiration and joy springs out of good friendships and this spills into our marriage. Doing life together is essential and beautiful. I want my children to grow up with wise, salt-of-the-earth adults around them-- people they can trust and go to when it's not cool to talk to mom and dad about everything. I want them to learn what it is to grow up in community, to see us truly doing life with others so that they have this as an example for their own friendships.

2. It's On You

It's your job to find friends. I know sounds easy for me to say this, being an extrovert, but I wasn't always as confident as I am now. Walking up to people and introducing myself/ inserting myself into people's lives used to freak me out. In high school I was kind of shy and insecure (dealing with cultural assimilation back into the States didn't help things). At a certain point, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I stopped taking it personally when people didn't automatically come up to me "the new girl" and invite me into their circles. Because guess what? They aren't intentionally excluding you! They just don't have an awareness of your need. 

So, you need to communicate your need for friendship. It might feel daunting to ask someone you don't know very well out for coffee or you may feel that as the new person at your church/school/job it's not your responsibility to have people over for dinner, but if you never take the responsibility you will more-than-likely not reap the rewards of new friendships. More often than not, people are flattered that you are interested in getting to know them! There have been amazing seasons in our life where people have just completely and totally initiated getting to know us and enveloped us with friendship from the start and it has been awesome, but that is not always the case. Realistically, some people won't have space or time for you in their lives in this season of life, but again, don't take that personally. Move on. God is good and he will provide you with other opportunities to act on.

Furthermore, when you make it your responsibility to seek out friendships, you are training yourself to be the person you would have wanted to have approached you when you were new. It's so easy to get your group of girlfriends or couple friends and never branch out or seek out new people after that. We forget so quickly what it feels like to be new.

If walking up to pseudo or complete strangers feels too intimidating, then sign up for an art class or a fitness boot camp. Join a club or a small group at church. These are awesome, less-threatening ways to encounter new people on a consistent basis and build some shared experiences. Then, invite them to your house for dinner or offer to help them organize the garage sale they've been planning.

2. Recognize Your Season and Have Grace for It

We are in a busy season. We just bought a fixer upper, we have a toddler, I'm pregnant and exhausted and we'll be doing a fair amount of family-related travel this summer-- not to mention our new church doesn't have small groups that run over the summer. Do I wish I could do all that and have five or six new sets of imaginary couple friends over every weekend? Of course! Is that realistic right now? Nope.

So, this is a season of maybe only one play date a week and one dinner party every couple of weeks. What's important is that we don't completely forgo attending church or getting to know neighbors during this time. We can't give or be involved in all that we would like to be involved in this summer, but we are giving ourselves grace for this season and investing in small ways, knowing there will soon be a time where we can more fully plug-in.

3. Identify Types of Friendships and Seek Out the Kindred

I've had to learn to also recognize that some friends are the types you pour into and some friends pour into you and some friends are just plain draining. Don't comprise your closest circle out of needy people. Yes, serving, mentoring and pouring into individuals is essential and rewarding, but have good boundaries and realize that these folks aren't always life-giving friends. 

Like Anne of Green Gables, I too long for kindred spirits... Bosom buddies-- the types of people who just "get it!" I have found a handful of people like this in my lifetime, some are in Spain, some are in Seattle, some in Chicago, some in Atlanta. They are life-long friends, regardless of distance. God has answered my prayer for these types of confidants, time and again. What's awesome is that they don't always resemble the image of what you think your kindred spirits should look like. I think the Lord delights in bringing us unexpected, rich companionship from friends who are often really different from us. 

What are characteristics of bosom buddies? This is my list, your's might look different.

- You have fun together!
- You can be honest and they will be honest in return
- You can have them over to your messy house and they do not care
- There is no need to impress each other
- Make-up is optional! Bring-on the hagged out coffee dates!
- You can vent about your frustrations and they listen, but always point you to the positive... to Jesus.
- They rejoice with you and are genuinely excited when you succeed, there is no competition
- There is freedom-- You are free to have other friends, they are free to have other friends
- They challenge you and can receive challenge in return
- They give and receive grace well
- They are running hard after Jesus and inspire you to do so yourself

Sometimes kindred spirits fall into your lap, sometimes it takes time. There is no formula for how these friendships come about, other than your continued presence in each other's lives.

4. Seek Community Outside of Your Age Group or Stage of Life

Some of our best friends have been older couples or individuals who have invited us into their lives or have obliged our "can we puh-lease be a part of your lives?!" requests. Don't limit your friendships only to people who are in your age group or stage of life because you will miss out. Frankly, I sometimes get sick of of the myopic topics "young people" seem to enjoy rehashing. There are several older individuals Nick and I frequently bring up to each other as models for what we want to be when we are older. These people aren't the sedentary, complacent types! We are always amazed at how much more energy they have than us! Older people have done life, they know what's important and what's not so important. They don't care about being bigger hipsters or more organic than their friends. They have great stories! They have fought battles and overcome. They have made mistakes, learned from them and are willing to share their experiences. There are wise, older types that have not stopped growing or giving. Get around that, seek it out!

I am blessed by my single girlfriends in many, many ways. Sure, I enjoy doing life with couple friends or young moms because we are at the same stage of life, but I remember what it was like to be a single young adult and how big of a blessing it was when married women or couples took an interest in investing in my life. The other day I caught up with a dear friend who is single, has just finished grad-school, is living in DC and jet-setting around the world as she job hunts. It was refreshing to not talk about potty training for once. I was blessed by her honest and fresh take on life. I don't ever want to lose that!

5. This Isn't All There Is

Finally, as we are reminded in 1 Peter, we must remember this world is not our home. We are to live as foreigners in the land. There will ultimately never be a place you feel fully at home at on this earth because you were created for more-- for heaven. Thank goodness! Isn't that kind of freeing? If you are looking for a utopia on earth, you aren't gonna find it, so that should ease some of the pressure!

I love this quote from C.S. Lewis (my dear friend Karen from college who now lives in Ukraine is someone who has reminded me of it many a time as she shares her feelings of never quite fitting in):

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world...."

And so, I leave you with these verses, which have greatly encouraged me in times of transition... in times where I deeply longed for community and in times where I have always known it's ultimately about so much more than this.

Hebrews 11:8-10
"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God."

P.S. We don't have plans to move any time soon... Unless God has something else in mind. ;)

P.S.S. I commend you for reading this novel and promise my next post will be shorter!